How empathy keeps people in abusive relationships
There are a lot of reasons people stay in relationships that are unhealthy. There are those who can’t see a way out without creating a worse situation. There are those who have come to believe they are worthless and are somehow deserving of whatever abuse is being inflicted. There are some who have children and fear losing them, traumatizing them further, or breaking up their families. But the reason I want to explore today is the idea of empathy. I wonder if, in our attempts to understand our partners, we forget our obligations to ourselves.
I heard a Ted Talk once where an abused woman talked about why she stayed in the relationship for so long. She was successful, smart, and beautiful. She didn’t match the image of an abused woman: Timid, mousy, and fearful. Anybody can end up in an abusive relationship. Anyone. She said she had never really looked at herself as the victim in her relationship. She was the savior. She was helping her husband overcome his greatest demons. He didn’t want to treat her the way he did. He was working desperately to overcome the effects of the abuse he had suffered as a child. She understood him and wanted very badly to help. It took her a long time to understand that it didn’t matter how much she understood him or tried to save him. At some point, her love and compassion for herself had to take precedence over her love for him.
Recently, I was talking to a friend who is in a relatively new relationship. She was telling me that her boyfriend is really dismissive after sex. She gets the feeling he just wants her to leave. There are other things too. He sometimes complains that she wants to spend too much time with him, but when she makes plans with other people, he is upset. My friend didn’t know what to make of this. She said she felt like there were all these micro-aggressions, but she also understood where he was coming from. She had all kinds of genuinely relatable reasons for why he said the things he did. Plus, he said he loved her, and she loved him.
I told her that having empathy in a relationship is important. It is the thing that helps us to see each other as human. It tempers our emotions, our wills, and helps us to put ourselves aside for the greater good. However, If there is a pattern of ill-treatment in a relationship, it is important to allow how you feel to outweigh the empathy you practice. I told my friend that regardless of why her boyfriend did/said the things he did, she has the right to determine the kind of relationship she wants to be in. It comes down to the question, how do you want to be treated? And really, you get to decide. Insert long pause. This is tough advice for a person who uses empathy as their main tool for improving relationships.
In the book, “Ender’s Game,” there is a line that speaks to this problem:
“In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.”
― Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game
If you truly want to know someone and are actively seeking to understand them, it is impossible not to love them. And in that love, it becomes very difficult to make the decision to do what is best for yourself. It is a truly terrible thing to see someone you love wrestling with demons, experiencing self-loathing, begging for forgiveness, and still turn away. It feels cruel. It feels like cutting a life-line. And honestly, it requires a kind of self-knowledge that is hard to come by in an abusive relationship. That is, you have to deliver the final blow with the absolute certainty that you are not only justified but obligated to do it.
Adding to the turmoil is the knowledge that the stories will not match. Most likely, you will have poured years and years into trying to understand, trying to save. And in the end, when you have to leave, your partner may not acknowledge any of it. You have to have the kind of courage that requires you to walk away without the understanding or approval. That kind of courage, though brutal, is an absolute requirement for leaving someone who has depended on your empathy to keep everything afloat.
Empathy is powerful and can go a long way to bring healing to people in need. But it is not a magic bullet, and in fact at some point can become the catalyst for unraveling everything healthy about you. I operate under this premise: you cannot save anyone. Understanding this has tempered my empathy and keeps it at a healthy level. My compassion cannot save one single person, except myself. And that realization has made all the difference.