Lessons at 50

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Tomorrow I am turning 50. It is weird because I still feel the vulnerability of 18, the drive of 30, and the wonder of a child. I’m sitting here with sunlight streaming through my window, listening to music and feeling the stirrings of something new. And, honestly, it’s fucking miraculous.

I have felt so consumed by my grief over the past two years — and it is still there, pulling me and washing over me in unexpected ways. But there is something else there now too. A desire to fight. Fight for my happiness, for the feeling of being loved, for hope in this goddamn bleak mess of a world. That, in and of itself, feels unreal. It’s been so long since I’ve had any fight in me. Any hope that I could feel the energy and happiness that comes with sunlight. Here are a couple of things I’ve learned, things that have aided in this long journey out of darkness:

1. Life is full of contradictions. My life is a testament to this. I have been a devout Christian, then an Atheist. I am right now, listening to Hillsong and letting the words wash over me in a cleansing tide — even though I don’t believe in the God they sing about. I can do that because I recognize that the music connects me to a feeling of renewal and I can take that piece of goodness without commitment to the faith. I am learning to balance opposites. I can be devastated over my daughter, and still hold hope. I can feel the sting of rejection and…