My daughter’s Ashes

I wasn’t expecting her ashes to be heavy

Not bone, like crumbled concrete, once tethered to the ground

Only meant for use

Laden with cracks and weary from everyday purpose

No

I expected them to be light

Like paper words taking the wind

Her wishes finally spoken

Lifted with the softest breeze

Carried playfully here and there

Without any gravity

So

I put them in a closet

She had hidden inside it one Halloween night

Scaring Nigel so much when she finally popped out —

How had she fit into such a narrow space?

We all laughed

And there she is now

With some forgotten toys that

I keep “just in case” or because

We played with them once

No

I didn’t expect her ashes to be heavy

Like the weight of a baby that

I swaddled and carried and tried to protect

Like the expectations that I built like

Iron around my heart

There was so much you were meant to be

So

I hugged the box to my chest

I’m so sorry, love

Someday I’ll scatter all this weight

On the breeze of beautiful places

And what doesn’t lift and sing

Will nurture and grow something tender