This really resonated with me. My mother wasn’t abusive in the same way. She was negligent for long periods and then completely overbearing. And always sick. I always felt guilty for not taking better care of her or making her feel loved enough. She died of pancreatic cancer. I was there, caring for her, but I hated being in her room and when she died I felt this complex grief that was mixed with relief. I still dream sometimes that she is alive and I am so sad, frustrated, and guilty. I am so sorry for your childhood and the pain you have suffered. Thank you for the bravery of awkward honesty. I’m a big fan of that kind of courage. ❤️