What do women want in bed?
Laying in bed last night, my boyfriend asked me if it was true that women wanted men to be more dominant in the bedroom. He had read an article about it and wanted to know 1. if it were true, and 2. what it meant. It’s a good question. Here is what we talked about and the conclusions I came to.
My first inner reaction to the question was “yes.” And honestly, my mind went to the episode on “Friends” when Ross and Rachel are talking in her bedroom about her ex-boyfriend Paulo and how he was just meaningless animal-sex. Ross, of course, was hurt because that meant he was the non-animal sex boyfriend, or the good guy, and boring lover. Rachel tells him that she swears he is the best she ever had and he says, “until now,” and sweeps her legs out from under her, essentially throwing her on the bed. I thought that was so hot.
I started to try and explain this. Yes, women like men to dominate in the bedroom — in the sense that they want to feel desired in a way that isn’t self-conscious or routine. Ironically, my boyfriend is great at this — he just has no idea because it isn’t on purpose.
Insert utter confusion.
But wait, so what does domination look like? He asked. Like, when a guy pushes the girls head down to give him a blow job? NO! No, that is not what I meant by dominant at all. It’s confusing because “50 Shades of Grey” was a big hit. And the ladies seemed to love it. So, is that what they want? But, men, you forget (or maybe you don’t know because you didn’t read the books or watch the movies) that even the main character, Ana, doesn’t like to be told what to do. She doesn’t want to be hurt or humiliated. The “domination” only works when it is all about her pleasure. Then it’s sexy.
Things like, “let me watch you get undressed.” “Don’t hide. Put your hands to your side.” The scenes in 50 shades that women thought were sexy were the scenes where Christian encouraged her to see herself as sexually powerful. He also stimulated her in unexpected ways. His intention was to please her, slowly. And all she had to do was let him work his magic.
The main thing though is this: most women want to feel like the person they are with is present in the bedroom. I heard Esther Perel, a famous author, and psychologist, give a Ted Talk once about how sex is a destination — somewhere people go together. That thought struck me in a couple of different ways. In the past, I’ve been with men where there was traveling going on, but we were not in the same car. We both wanted release. We both wanted connection — but often times, it was like we were both thinking about other things. There was no eye contact. Very little foreplay. Kind of like mutual masturbation.
Honestly, I’ve never had sex like I’m having it now. My boyfriend is completely present with me. He isn’t commanding me to do stuff or surprising me at every turn. But he is paying attention. He is looking at me. He is not trying to guide me into positions self-consciously, he just does it. Flips me over, grabs my legs, touches everywhere. That is super sexy. I feel worshiped — not in a superior way, though. I repeat: Do not try to shove your partners head into your crotch! It’s not about power; it’s about exploration. I want to feel like his favorite place to travel.
What women want in bed is not very different than what anyone wants. It’s really about passion, isn’t it? About acceptance? There is something very powerful and very sexy about being naked with the light on, so to speak. I think we all want our lovers to look at us full on and still desire us — without trying to change anything about the picture.
The most important way to achieve great sex, is to talk. I don’t mean talk dirty — though you can if you want. What I mean is that it’s important to be able to talk about sex with your partner. The good, bad, and boring. It’s important because sex isn’t just sex. It is the centerpiece to intimacy. It shapes the way you play together. The way you communicate tenderness and acceptance. When people become uncomfortable with the topic of sex, they tend to turn it into something dirty — something separate from the relationship. It’s not. If relationships are a dance, sex is the dancefloor. It’s a kinda big deal. Pretending it isn’t is absolute poison to the intimacy and trust within your relationship.
If there is defensiveness while talking about sex with your lover, research a good counselor. Really, it’s worth the confrontation and vulnerability, even if it doesn’t go as planned. Ignoring a problem has never made it go away. Especially this problem.
I think my boyfriend asked me this question because he is a good guy — and he worries that means he is not meeting the criteria for what I might find excitng in the bedroom. He couldn’t be farther from the truth. Listen, if you find a partner that you can “travel” with, well, that is a big deal. If you have open and honest communication, and you feel accepted, be happy with that. Try not to overthink it. Being a “good guy” isn’t the kiss of sexual death. “Good guys” can be great in bed. In fact, they can be the best.